Are You Sure They're Not Drunk?
by EightofSwords
Summary: Why’s Serena been so depressed lately? The Senshi are determined to find out! But they get a little sidetracked… (First Season) (MoonMask)
1. Be Afraid

A/N: Before I start, let me just say that it's stories like this that are the reason you should never guzzle down three liters of Mountain Dew at three o'clock in the morning.

Disclaimer: If I owned Sailor Moon, Darien would have to wear a short skirt, too! Muahahahah! (A/N: See what I mean?)

* * *

Are You Sure They're Not Drunk?

* * *

"You guys, Serena always looks so depressed these days," Lita whispered to her friends in the arcade both. "What's up with her?"

Ami looked up and set her book – _An Idiot's Guide to Being a Bibliophile _– on the tabletop. That was when they all knew it was serious.

"I don't know," began Ami, chewing on her glasses. "I asked her if anything was wrong yesterday, and she told me it was nothing. But she didn't even eat lunch today. She left her bento untouched on her desk and just stared into space the whole break."

Gasps erupted all around.

"No way!"

"Serena, skip lunch!"

"You must have been hallucinating, Ami! Do you have a fever?" Mina felt Ami's forehead frantically. "No, you're cool – heehee, you're Sailor Mercury, and you're cool, that's funny…"

"Good God," muttered Rei sourly. "I have never seen such an _airhead_."

"Lay off, Rei! We're trying to talk about Serena here!" Lita reminded everyone sharply.

"Yes." Ami primly adjusted her bangs where Mina had disturbed them with her fever-checking. "As I said, something is wrong. However, I scanned Serena with the Mercury computer during Algebra class – which, incidentally, she didn't fall asleep during today – and she exhibits no signs of illness. So whatever is ailing her is purely emotional and/or mental."

"So what you're saying is that she's just regular old down in the dumpster," summarized Mina.

"It's down in the _dumps_, but yes, that's basically my hypothesis."

"Geez, you're making her sound like a science project." Rei rolled her eyes.

"Maybe we could ask Luna," Lita suggested. "After all, she's with Serena practically 24/7, she should know what's bothering Serena."

"Yes, that seems like the most feasible course of action – "

"Hey!" Mina's shout interrupted Ami. "Here she comes, you guys. Look normal!"

They all scrambled to settle into their usual positions in the booth. Ami snatched up her book and hurriedly hid her face behind it; Rei pasted a sour scowl on her face and drummed her fingers impatiently on the tabletop; Mina and Lita erupted into unbelievably fake giggles, batting their eyelashes at the first male that walked past their table – an old man with tufts of hair protruding from his ears and liverspots on his wrinkled bald pate, who had probably come to the arcade for an early bird special. He winked at them as he hobbled past, and the smiles quickly melted right off the two Senshi's faces to be replaced with identical grimaces.

By then, Serena was standing in front of the booth, running an appraising eye across them. "Did Andrew let you guys order wine coolers or something?" she asked. "Because you guys are acting REALLY weird."

"What are you talking about?" Mina demanded, glancing nervously around at her partners in crime. "We're acting _perfectly_ NORMAL, aren't we, girls?"

"Oh, yes." Ami nodded vigorously, and Lita followed suit, her chestnut ponytail bouncing up and down.

"Honestly, Serena," Rei added her two cents, rolling her eyes. "You're beign paranoid. We're acting like we always do."

"Really?" Serena's blonde eyebrows lifted. "Does Ami usually read her books upside down?"

Ami squeaked and hurriedly tossed the incriminating book over her shoulder. It collided with the head of some innocent Arcade patron and knocked them out cold on the floor. None of our Senshi paid any attention to this minutiae, however. They were too busy shifting guiltily in their seats.

"And do Mina and Lita usually flirt with senior citizens?"

"Or course we do," Mina blurted out, desperate to keep up the lie. Then she blinked, realizing what she had just said. "I mean – not that – oh my, look at that, my shoe's untied!" She dove under the table, presumably to fix this inequity.

"Uh, Mina, you're wearing loafers – OW!" Lita bellowed and cursed, clutching her bleeding shin, which Mina had just kicked to make her shut up. "OOH, YOU LITTLE TRAMP, I'M GONNA KILL YOU! NO ONE DRAWS JUPITER-SAMA'S BLOOD AND GETS AWAY ALIVE!" She dove under the table after Mina, and the table began to shake and buck violently.

Serena, Ami, and Rei blanched and sidled away to the counter.

"Are they – are they going to be okay?" Andrew asked anxiously from across the room where he was serving a gaping customer. Both watched the scene with a horrified sort of fascination.

Rei guffawed for Andrew's benefit, slapping him on the back. "Oh, they're fine, don't worry! They do this all the time – they're on the mud-wrestling team at school, so they gotta keep in practice, you know…"

"WHOAH!" Darien chose this auspicious moment to make his appearance, striding in through the automatic doors. "Hope you guys have got a designated driver!" He clapped Andrew on the back. Andrew winced at this second piece of abuse to his poor spine. "These girls are underage, you know. You are gonna be so grounded for selling them alcohol."

"But I didn't sell them anything!" Andrew protested with wide, frightened eyes.

"You mean they're doing that all on their own?" Darien flicked impressed eyes in the bucking table's direction. "Wow. Estrogen is a powerful thing."

"You're telling me," agreed Andrew wholeheartedly, glancing at the framed picture of Reika that sat beside the cash register. "It should definitely be a controlled substance."

Meanwhile…

"Heheheh…do you think we should break it up now?" Rei looked at Ami.

"Um…I don't think we CAN stop it. Lita's gotten her stride now." Ami flinched as a particularly loud obscenity echoed through the arcade, followed by a blood-curdling scream.

"So what you're saying is…" Serena grinned, the first smile either girl had seen from her in days, and it caused them to back away from her in fear. "…that Lita's all _warmed up_?"

"Serena…what are you thinking?"

"Well, you said things are heating up!" Serena flashed a toothy smirk. "So maybe it's time to cool things down! Whaddaya say, Ami?"

* * *

"Hey! You extremely uncouth girls! Yes, you two, the ones under the table!"

Every head in the arcade swiveled towards the seemingly possessed table and the two high school girls beneath it, then towards the trio of Sailor Senshis who had just burst in the doors of the Arcade.

"You think it's funny to flirt with old mean and get their hopes up? And to disturb the peaceful atmosphere of this heavenly arcade? Well, I am Sailor Moon, Champion of Love and Justice, and in the name of the moon and of gamers and old geezers everywhere, I will punish you!"

"Some people are trying to study for mid-terms!" Sailor Mercury stepped forward, her blue visor glinting menacingly. "They need peace and quiet, not catfights! In the name of bookworms and aspiring erudites everywhere, I am Sailor Mercury, and I will punish you! SHINING AQUA ILLUSION!"

Shimmery blue mist filled the room. In a few seconds, it cleared, revealing the three Sailor Senshis standing in front of the two brawling girls, who were frozen in mid-kick – or, in Mina's case, mid-bite.

"Look!" came the shout from one of the back booths. "Sailor Mercury froze those two girls solid!"

"About time!" countered another voice.

"And guess who's gonna have some fun thawing them?" Sailor Mars clicked forward in her flaming high heels, baring her teeth in an eager, malicious grin. "MARS FIREBALL!"

Steam hissed, billowing out to replace Mercury's fog. When it cleared, Mina and Lita were sprawled out unconscious on the floor.

"OH MY GOD! MARS, YOU SET THEIR HAIR ON FIRE!" Sailor Moon screamed, stomping panickedly on Lita's smoking ponytail. Mina's treasured red bow was already a pile of ashes. "CAN'T YOU GET SOME BETTER AIM, PRYO?"

"It sounds like you're volunteering to be my practice target, Sailor Moon! Do you like your meatballs medium rare or well-done? MARS FIREBA – "

"You WITCH! MOON TIARA – "

"SHINING AQUA ILLUSION!"

Before either of the Senshis could finish their attacks, Mercury had frozen them. The whole arcade stared at her in awe.

The bluenette heaved a sigh of relief, rubbing her temple. "God, they were giving me a migraine. Always fighting like a couple of piranhas…" She jerked in surprise as cheers and applause erupted suddenly. A fierce blush suffused her cheeks at the attention.

At that moment, Tuxedo Mask came barreling in through the doors, cape whipping dramatically behind him. "Where is she?" he gasped. "Where's Sailor Moon?" His masked eyes landed on the blonde-haired heroine, coated with a thick layer of ice. "Holy guacamole, Mercury's gone dark! Don't worry, Sailor Moon, I'll save you!" He turned to Mercury. "Your heart of ice has finally caught up with you, Sailor Mercury. Friends are for gossiping and drooling over hot guys – like me – with, not freezing solid! For turning Sailor Moon into a popsicle, I will punish you!"

"Tuxedo – " Mercury's blue eyes were wide, and she tried to explain. "No, it's not what it looks like – "

'Enough!" roared Tuxedo Mask. "This will be a battle to the death – well, unless…" His eyes glinted behind his mask. "Unless you hand over that Mercury computer of yours. What is that, a Pentium Four processor?"

"What?" Mercury shrieked, clutching the mini-laptop to her chest. (She had just taken it out of her Sub-Space pocket to analyze Tuxedo Mask for any signs on intoxication that could explain his uncharacteristically passionate behavior.) "You can't have this!" Her eyes narrowed. "Tuxedo Mask, I think I know what this is about. Are you on medication?"

Tuxedo Mask's expression faltered. "I – of course not – I mean – well, maybe some Prozac."

"I thought so." Mercury nodded knowingly to herself, then patted the seat of the empty booth beside her. "Come lie down here. I think you and I need to have a little talk."

* * *

A/N: There's the first part. I've decided to split this fic up into a couple of parts, since I get more reviews that way. Tell me what you think and if it's worth continuing. What sort of stuff do you wanna read next chapter?

P.S. Meg-chan and Serenity-hime, I love both of your new stories! Of course, you prob'ly already know that, since I left reviews…

P.P.S. For those of you waiting patiently for the next chapter of STC, don't worry, it's coming. I'm on Spring Break, so I'll probably have at least two new chapters up this week.


	2. They Do It On TV

A/N: Definite, definite OoC. But that's what makes it funny. I hope. Thank you so much to all you guys who reviewed – you're the reason I kept writing.

Disclaimer: If you think I own Sailor Moon, then it's time for you to check into a mental institution.

* * *

Are You Sure They're Not Drunk?

* * *

"So basically," began Sailor Mercury, capping her pen and tapping it on the legal pad she had procured from somewhere. "Your nighttime sojourns as Tuxedo Mask all began after some girl hit you in the head with a shoe?"

Tuxedo Mask nodded, gulping down a fortifying draught of hot coffee. "It was extremely traumatic."

"I can imagine," replied Sailor Mercury. She opened her mouth to say something else, but was interrupted by an ear-splitting shriek.

"WHAT? WHAT'S THIS? MERCURY WITH **MY **MAN!"

Tuxedo Mask spun, and Mercury quivered, shrinking back into her seat.

"Sailor Moon – it's not what it looks like – " she stammered.

"Not what it looks like?" Sailor Moon loomed over Sailor Mercury, the thawing ice from her ponytails dripping down onto the bluenette's pale face. The bluenette blinked rapidly. "It _looks_ like you're trying to hit on MY man. Are you telling me that's _not_ what you were doing?"

"Who's making all that racket?" snarled Sailor Mars, stumbling over to the booth. She elbowed Tuxedo Mask over in the seat, wringing out her sopping hair and making huge puddles on the tile before sliding in beside him. "God, I feel like I've got a hangover. Mina better not have spiked my tea again… Hey!" She snapped her fingers, glaring around. "Can't a girl get some service around here?"

"Oh – of course, of course!" Andrew scurried over hastily, smoothing his apron. "What's your order, Ma'am?"

"Call me _ma'am_ again, and I'll fry those freckles right off your face," Mars growled. "Do I look like a ma'am to you? Do I?"

"Uh – no, of course, not, ma'am – I mean, miss! Miss!" Andrew exclaimed frantically. _God, where's Darien when you need him? Some best friend he is, running off and leaving me alone with a bunch of psycho Senshi!_

"Shut up and gimme a cup of tea – no sugar, or I'll decapitate you with your apron strings."

"YES, MA'AM!" shouted the terrified Andrew and bolted off.

"I'M NOT A MA'AM!" Mars bellowed, then shook her head disgustedly. "Ugh. Kids these days." She narrowed her eyes at Moon, Mercury, and Tuxedo Mask, who were staring at her with some trepidation. "Are you two finished arguing over Cape Boy yet?"

"NO – " began Sailor Moon heatedly, but Mars cut her off.

"Alright then, here's a nice, peaceful way to settle this."

"What?' asked Sailor Moon suspiciously.

Mars shrugged. "Have a mud-wrestling match. Winner takes Cape Boy."

"What?" exclaimed Mercury. "I don't even WANT him! And I refuse to participate in such an immature – "

"You don't…want me, Mercury?" Tuxedo Mask sniffled, his lower lip trembling.

"Oh, there, there, muffin," soothed Sailor Moon, patting his top hat consolingly. "_I_'m willing to fight for you." She shot a glare at Mercury, then looked at Mars dubiously. "Are you SURE mud wrestling will work?"

"They do it on TV all the time," replied Mars matter-of-factly.

"Oh!" Sailor Moon brightened. "Well, if they do it on TV, then it MUST be right. Get ready to eat mud, Mercury!"

"But I don't WANT Tuxedo Mask!" Mercury wailed, darting under Sailor Moon's legs and towards Lita, who was just returning to consciousness beneath the table. "Lita! Save me! Sailor Moon wants to force-feed me mud!"

"What! Huh?" Lita bolted to her feet. _THUNK. _"**DAAAAAAMN!** WHO PUT A TABLE HERE!"

"I believe that would be this fellow right here." Sailor Mars calmly took a sip of the tea that Andrew had quickly placed on the table in front of her, then she pointed at Andrew, who had been trying to retreat into the _Staff Only_ room without being seen. When Mars pointed at him, he let out a shriek and dove over the serving counter.

Alas, it was too late for our poor Arcade manager. Lita's enraged green eyes landed on him, and she lunged.

L

_Several broken bones later:_

"That foolish young hunk has now been taught the dangers of feng shui," announced Lita, climbing back over the counter. "Now, what were you saying, Merc?"

Mercury's eyes darted from Sailor Moon to Lita. "Um…"

"She wanted to know if you were finished whipping Mina's butt yet," supplied Mars, taking another nonchalant sip of tea.

Lita's eyes widened, and she cracked her knuckles, turning around and walking towards the blonde still sprawled on the floor.

"No!" Mercury exclaimed, wrapping her arms around Lita's leg to keep her from jumping Mina again. "That's now what I was going to sat! Stop instigating things, Mars!"

Mars just smirked and returned to her tea-sipping.

L

"Wow," said one spectator to another in one of the booths. "I never knew Sailor Mars was such a sadist."

"Me, neither," replied his friend. "She's acting really weird. Then again, so are the rest of them. This is the first time the Senshi have attacked civilians."

"You're right! I wonder why they're so spazzy today."

"Maybe they're drunk," suggested the other.

"That would make sense. But are Senshi allowed to drink?"

"Who's gonna stop them? Not me!" They snickered.

* * *

"ENOUGH OF THIS!" ordered Sailor Moon suddenly. "Are we gonna mud-wrestle, or are we gonna mud-wrestle?"

"We're not!" protested Mercury desperately, teeth clicking as Lita flung her leg this way and that in a vain attempt to throw the Senshi of ice off of her.

"Mud-wrestling?" echoed Lita and stopped kicking. Mercury slid down her leg and crumpled into a relieved blue heap on the floor. "I'm game!"

"What?" Sailor Moon's eyes bulged frantically. "Another competitor for Tuxedo Mask's heart? Noooooooooooo!" She fainted and fell backwards on top of Tuxedo Mask.

"Uh – did I miss something?" Lita asked the arcade patrons sitting around her and watching the scene. Remembering what she had done to Andrew, they all shook their heads hurriedly and pretended to be intently focused on their milkshakes, lattes, cappuccinos, etc.

"Ugh…" A groan was heard from a few tables away, and a blonde head rose into view. Mina clutched her head groggily. "What…happened?"

"Why, Mina," said Sailor Mars from the booth where Sailor Moon lay prostrate in Tuxedo Mask's arms. Her eyes twinkled slyly. "You left your hair down today – how pretty."

"Wha…? I didn't leave my hair down today…" Mina felt the back of her head, patting it down for her ribbon and finding nothing. "NOOO! WHERE'S MY RIBBON!"

Her eyes landed on Lita. "_YOU!_ WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?"

"What would I want with your mangy hair ribbon?" countered Lita.

"Liar! You took it! You – you – you muscular, testosterone-driven, XY female – "

"Wanna come and say that to my face, **b#!**"

"GLADLY!" Mina lunged, and Lita dove, and before you could scream, "Je-rry! Je-rry!" they were at it under the table again.

"Wow…" breathed all the people in the arcade. A flash went off as somebody took a picture.

Sailor Mars rubbed her hands together. "Another catfight. How purr-fect – YEOWCH!"

"Is that – a cat?" Tuxedo Mask peered over Sailor Moon's hair to look at the black-furred feline digging her claws into Sailor Mars' thigh.

"No, it's my long-lost sister," Sailor Mars gritted out sarcastically. "Of _course _it's a cat, you dolt. A cat that is going to be taken to the vet for a certain procedure that Artemis won't like very much if she doesn't get her claws out of my leg RIGHT NOW…" With a disgruntled_ meow_, the cat sheathed her claws. "That's better. Now what do you want, Luna?"

To Tuxedo Mask's surprise and bewilderment, Sailor Mars bent her head down so that her ear was inches away from the car's mouth. Her eyes went unfocused for a moment as she appeared to listen, then her brows furrowed.

"Oh, fine!" she grumbled, shooting to her feet. "Always spoiling our fun…come on, Mercury, we have to go!"

Mercury raised her head from the floor dazedly, blinking her bloodshot eyes. "What about Mina and Lita?"

"Aw, let 'em kill each other. One less blonde to put up with."

"That's true," agreed Mercury thoughtfully, dragging herself to her feet and following Mars to the doors of the arcade, scooping up the black cat as she went.

"Hey, wait!" Tuxedo Mask leapt to his feet, Sailor Moon's inert body still flopping around in his arms. "What about Sailor Moon?"

"Is she even awake yet?" asked Mars, already halfway out the door. "Cuase let me tell you, _I_'m sure as heck not hauling her butt home, I did it last time."

"According to the schedule, it's Jupiter's turn," said Mercury, consulting her computer. "But since she's, um, otherwise occupied…could you do it for us, Tuxedo Mask?"

"Me?" Tuxedo Mask's eyes went round behind his mask. "But – but – she's still sleeping!"

Indeed, it was true, for snores were escaping from the blonde's mouth.

Mars shrugged. "So wake her up."

Tuxedo Mask set the blonde heroine down on the tabletop and shook her by the shoulders, then – when that failed – threw a glass of water in her face. He even tried tickling her nose with a handful of her golden hair. However – since this _is _Serena Tsukino we're talking about – she just sort of spluttered and giggled and went back to snoring, her head lolling against Tuxedo Mask's chest.

The caped man looked to Sailors Mars and Mercury with no little amount of fear in his expression. "Nothing's working! What do I do?"

Sailor Mars rolled her eyes. "Geez, do I have to come up with everything around here? Just kiss her, for God's sake!"

"What!" Tuxedo Mask gaped, trembling a little. "What makes you think that'll do anything?"

"Well, it works on TV." Mars smirked and darted out of the door, followed quickly by a chortling Mercury.

"Hmm," mused Tuxedo Mask, trying to ignore the fierce blush on his face. He was acutely aware of all the eyes fixed on him. "Well…if they do it on TV…"

* * *

A/N: There you have it, part two. Only one more left, I believe. After all, this fic is getting in the way of my other series – I've GOT to stop coming up with new ideas and just finish the ones I've already got. Bad Sword-chan! Bad Sword-chan!

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please review! Tell me how hard you laughed – if you did at all, which I hope you did, but if you didn't, tell me how I can make it funnier.

P.S. Meg-chan, I like the way you think, girl. But I guess before I get 'em published, I gotta finish them…darn. Hey, what's wrong with D.R.? I know it's not a unique opinion, but I think he's _tres_ cute – not even the great Sword-chan can fight her hormones! And now that you've got me started on hot guys, you know who else is hot? The yellow Power Ranger from Power Rangers Ninja Storm. He's GORGEOUS! But I digress.


End file.
